hi ppl! dun really feel like talking much now, partly cuz there's pop, and partly cuz languages are existent to articulate things that are significant. In my views, beyond certain limit, there's no longer any significance or dignity in certain things; and therefore there no longer exists any meaning in using human language to express views on certain things.
Many things happened at the beginning of this long and dreary journey: seeing my friends getting cheated and hurt, and in the process I myself was hurt and confused.
Many more things happened along the way, together with confusion, sadness, disappointment, despair, anger and fury, and fortunately followed by being understood by certain ppl, comfort, enlightenment in certain issues and above all, a relief and joy upon recognition that: hey my squadmates are still here!
There are certainly some apologies to be made. There are certainly some reflections to be done. There are certainly lots of thank-yous to be said. But alas! what words, what language, or what whatever can voice my feelings at this moment?
I have grown along the way. Has it been a growth towards weaker will and despair in cruel reality of adult world? That I am not sure. At several critical turning points of this road, while I found myself at loss of confidence and confusion, there had been some feedback that questioned: why were we so helpless? Ought we not to fight back and stop some changes?
I believe, there are some of you who still retain your sense of optimism and determination; you still believe that things could be done in such a system, such an environment. Just as Dylan Thomas says, "don't go gentle into good night", it seems that we ought not go gentle into this life as well, despite any helplessness. But trust me with your heart and soul, believe me with your empathy and sympathy, that reality denies all these ideals.
Passion burns out, compassion turning into confusion.
It is just like watching a movie. While we all cry out our lungs at the protagonist, "goddamnit, can't you fight on instead of giving in to fate, or to some antagonist?", we are all not the protagonist afterall. Perhaps, the only person who understands me the best is yl.
2 years ago, Ms Sew asked me: are sure you are ready for what you are in for?
That question put me into unrest. What does she mean?
Now, i finally understand. Perhaps better than Ms Sew herself.
If you ask me this question again, today, my answer would be: ready to work out my sweats and blood along with my buddies, but not quite ready for some IQ test.
6 years. It is not an easy one.
2000- a slack, defiant cadet who pon so many LC preparations that liling got angry with me. saw so many passionate souls working for their passions: yuelin, xueling, yongyang, robin, jinhui, and the list goes on... and if I may, rongxing as well. shaowei, qiming.. and the duckwalks and 246 situps at the last activity. We were chanting sizing commands as if it were some magical stuffs. We were comparing shininess of boots, with ppl like yongyang and robin showing off their boots every time. Still remember how jinhui spent an hour a day at polishing boots. Still remember how I worked so damn hard to do well at those TD, Safety First etc tests.
2001- the best year in my opinion, under shijia and Benson esp. I made shijia cry three times. Benson's unique commands.. his words.. "ppl, jerk your hands, jerk!".. "c'mon ppl, you can do it!".. ranks and badges, they meant so much to many of us. Soccer after trainings, with me running like a bull around the field. KFC and Mac were our frequented places. With 5 or 6 of us sharing a medium-size cup (still amazed at how thick our skin was). and not forgetting, the intra-squad pumping competition within us, with you guys complaining abt my PT timing. (sorry)
2002- a transition year. Robin grew by a few cms. Dianyang loomed over us. Yongyang's shot became murderous. Hangping grew tall and lean. chokchun slacked. Damien and shiwei became our stars. and most memorable of all: we ponned ATC. and the chain of events that followed. But something remained: boy and girl sqs were still fighting. Then the training camps. the fire drill that had we in pumping position for eternity. and CWOs where chok said his golden words. Then the posting and junhua's dilemma. etc etc
2003- Perhaps the most significant of all was BUC and SI issue. Till this day, I still believe Robin should have gotten BUC. heh. But it was all just some 'childhood' thing now.
and then...
2004- ...
2005- ... ...
So I eventually realise: out of these 6 years, I ought to retain only the memories of first 4 years.
To sum up all, I think one of yl's phrases put it best: I salute you.
All the best!
1:16 AM
